Grace: It Taught me to love myself through the cross
Tourette Syndrome (TS) is a neurodevelopmental disorder that causes a person to make involuntary motor movements and vocalizations, these symptoms are known as tics. TS impacts each person at different levels of severity. The symptoms of Tourette syndrome vary widely from a simple twitch of an eye to complex tics that can cause bodily injury. In addition to the physical symptoms of Tourette syndrome, there are less noticeable aspects of the condition that exist inwardly and, in part, result from the social impacts of ableism.
These less noticeable symptoms, from my experience as a person with TS, are sometimes more difficult to handle than the physical manifestations of the disorder. One could probably imagine to a limited extent the suffering that a person with TS may endure. Those who are lucky enough to personally know a Touretter probably realize the great gifts and abilities this neurologic chaos brings out in those who endure its suffering. It is my hope that through telling my experience with TS that you will see how God truly manifests His love in carrying of The Cross.
In 2006 my mother took me to the neurologist after a series of profoundly aligned events that led her to believe I may have had a tic disorder known as Tourette syndrome. At age 13, I finally received the answer to a riddle that plagued my life for many years. The doctor confirmed it, I had Tourette syndrome. This brought about a multitude of feelings. Relief, fear, and joy to name a few. As a young adolescent I did not know the impact that this diagnosis would have on my life, nor could I foresee the challenge that was to come over the next decade of my life.
My tics were severe as a child. There were times when I had contusions covering my hips and ribs because my elbows would uncontrollably beat my sides. Other instances occurred where I would repeatedly hold my breath until I was about to pass out or my body would violently convulse. The only medication that somewhat controlled these tic storms eventually caused a side effect known as Tardive dyskinesia & dystonia. Essentially my neck and jaw muscles contracted and would not release without injections of Botox. The trauma caused by the physical impact of Tourette syndrome was great. Though the trauma of enduring the constant cruelty of ableism and comorbidities was just as severe.
In the years after my first tics started at age six, I always felt different. There was always a sense of being an outcast. People treat you like dirt when you are noticeably different. Sometimes its not the overt prejudices or discrimination that hurts the most. It’s the shunning, the education system that caters to a specific type of ability, or the societal norms that say you are lesser than if you cannot act or refrain from acting in a certain way.
It’s the unfounded assumption that somehow you are dangerous or incapable. The feeling of being scrutinized or bullied can be immense. To mistakenly break a petty social norm (not referring to the immoral), for someone who has TS, could mean isolation from peers or even the loss of a job. The pressure to “perform” is a lot. The word for this type of prejudice and discrimination is called ableism, and this is the seldom mentioned reality those with TS and other differences must endure. Between the physical/psychological impacts and ableism, it can be agonizing, which is where my Catholic Faith comes into play.
One of the most attractive things I find about Jesus Christ is His ability to bare suffering. As a teenager, I fell in love with Him during Eucharistic adoration because I felt I had finally found a companion to carry the weight I could not carry. Weight that was truly crushing me in a very real way. My mind goes to the Agony in The Garden where Jesus was asking the Father to take His cup, but realizing that it was His Father’s Will for Him to bare the sins of the world – He simply stated Your Will be done. What love and acceptance. I knew that He knew the relentless Hell I was experiencing daily.
My faith teaches me to accept necessary suffering. To welcome agony with open arms because – with Christ in me – there is true joy in embracing hardship. It teaches me to seek justice and love mercy, which means I have dignity in a world which sometimes makes it seem as if I have none.
God tells me I can when the world tells me I cannot. This is a small experience of the enormity of God’s love.
In my imperfection, I sometimes struggle to accept this Love and turn away. The weight of the cross only gets heavier when I try to carry it myself. Honesty in prayer and in confession help me recourse back to Jesus, who tells me that His yoke is lighter. Asking for bravery to overcome cowardice, humility to overcome pride, and an abundance of mercy to forgive other’s shortsighted misconceptions is necessary to receive the restoration only found in healing grace.
The Cross is certainly heavy. My individual cross, though far lighter when compared to that of our Savior, is too much to bare alone.
In my powerlessness, I must surrender or be crushed.
Paradoxically, in my surrender, I find Power greater than me. In this Power, I find a relationship with God and – in this relationship – I find strength to endure hardship.
By the grace of God, I have been blessed with overcoming many obstacles and have found loving support from many people. Through this love I have learned to view myself as worthwhile and capable. My status in the world does not define me in the eyes of God. He has created me with intricacy, and I am God’s child. This brings reassurance to my heart that regardless of the world’s perception, my life still has great purpose.
The Cross is a gift and is not unique to certain individuals. It is something we all are called to carry. In this, we are invited to a deeper communion with God. In this communion we may take the following questions to prayer:
How does God see me?
What is my Cross?
Am I truly surrendering it to Jesus?
What purpose exists in my suffering?
God bless and may you find meaning in your agony!
About the Author
Brian Vogelgesang is a firm believer in God's merciful love and grace. He earned his BA in Philosophy from Mount St. Mary's University and currently works as a sales professional in the grocery industry.
In his spare time Brian enjoys hiking, running/biking, and challenging himself to learn new things.