Hail Mary, Gentle Mother
Nathan Crankfield's blog, Mama's boy, prompted this reflection. His writing highlighted the attributes of strength Mary exudes and how he took those elements and became the Catholic man he is today. You can read his blog here.
"Take a deep breath, really hold it, allow the breath to travel from your nose to the bottom of your chest, Marissa... take a deep breath, MARISSA.. are you breathing?" I think to myself. Isn't it funny how the most straightforward act can be so challenging to do?
A friend of mine let me know over one late-night video session that she felt that my energy felt stuck. She continued - you may think you are breathing. Still, there is a profound difference between taking our breaths as we do naturally each moment as humans and the type of breathing that is both mindful and intentional. At that moment, I felt incapable of doing the latter. She explained that when we hold onto emotions so tight, we are not allowing the spirit to work within us. This action keeps us closed and unwilling to open ourselves to the truth. She then mentioned the phrase "by becoming nothing, we can become everything".. now, while I don't entirely agree with elements of new-age beliefs, something about this line resonated with me, deep.
After this interaction, I sat with the message she delivered to me. I wondered, what does it mean to become "nothing" to feel again? I began reflecting on the blog that was released earlier that day and had a personal moment of realization & awakening.
I, Marissa Lenon, have a fear embedded so deep in me that if I'm not successful or continuously working towards and holding onto a goal, I will ultimately become nothing. And being nothing is everything I am terrified of being.
I began to think about why I was placed upon this path, then an image of myself, sitting on the floor, heart wholly shattered, came to my mind. At that moment, I gave myself two options: the first was to cry in the hope that by a miracle, my broken relationship would instantly become restored. Life could go back to what I perceived as "normal." My second option was to pick myself up, wipe the tears from my eyes, and make the rest of my life the best part of my life. So, I got up and vowed at that moment to become the absolute best version of myself, no matter how much work that took and what I needed to sacrifice to make that happen. Failing, or showing any sign of hurt, was unacceptable to me.
During this process, my mom began taking me to our church to sit in front of the Blessed Mother's statue. At the time, it was an unusual occurrence; I never had the experience of actually sitting in the church, reflecting, listening, and just being. I fell in love with those moments and lived for the time I was able to spend alone, in this safe space. It was the only time I was able to show my heart and express my feelings of sadness, grief, joy, hope, and excitement in the presence of the Blessed Mother. I fell even deeper in love with Mary, which set me on a journey that ultimately brought me back to life.
In Nathan's blog, Mama's Boy, he states,
"Don't disrespect her strength by neglecting it for the sake of her kindness."
For me, it was the absolute opposite. I looked to Mary for strength, and I looked to her for courage. Ultimately, telling myself that if I wanted to succeed, I had to, without a doubt, become the strongest, most resilient person I have ever known. After all, that's who Mary is. She is the woman who witnessed her only son experience pain and suffering that no mother should ever have to see. With her dignity, grace, and strength, she walked on silently, knowing it had to be that way.
Focusing on Mary's vigor, I developed a thick skin, a reliable approach, and a standard so high for Excellence that I knew most could never attain. Did I do it on purpose? Maybe. Was I trying to hold on to something, anything, I could control after experiencing what I did? Possibly. But ultimately, I became strong because I thought that's what Mary wanted me to do to succeed. As I sit here, so many years later, I no longer feel the pain from what that moment caused. I have existed, now with the ache of living a life, pretending that being strong is the only way to be okay.
I realize that the kindness, love, and grace Mary represented didn't make her weak, but made her human. She is depicted generally as a beautiful figure shown to be standing upright and vigorous. But most don't realize that when she is displayed, it is most often with both of her arms wide open. Mary is ready to embrace all of us because that's who she is in the depths of her soul. Sitting here in this moment, I can admit that I was wrong for all of these years. The version of Mary I want to be, is kind and shows her strength through her love and courage, living fully to who God intended her to be.
Ultimately, my friend was right. By allowing myself to become nothing, I can release the burden and strain I put on myself to succeed. Becoming nothing enables the space to move me, and instead of doing what I think I want to do, I let God guide me to do the things he needs me to do. More heart, less mind.
Nathan writes: "Mary is the most loving, caring, and gentle woman to ever live. But she's also the strongest, most resilient, and most committed woman to ever do it. In the Christian life, there is no easy day. Mary accepted this truth deep in her heart. She knew what it meant to play hurt. She knew what true, devastating pain felt like. She's not some distant mother who can't relate to our struggles. She has experienced some of the most brutal hardships. Mary earned her stripes while on this earth."
Real strength and success isn't how hard you held onto the mountain as you climbed it, but the trust you showed to God, knowing that he was in control every step of the way. With all of her fortitude and quiet strength, Mary is helping to get you exactly where you're meant to be.
I sat in that chapel, with full devotion to the Blessed Mother, for an entire year, 365 days, and when I reflect on that experience, I realize why it had to be that way. Leaning into the love that the Blessed Mother gives, much like my earthly mother, has surrounded me with peace. I vowed in those moments that when I overcame the trial God knew I would endure, I would let everyone know the graces and love of embracing our Blessed Mother, Mary.
About The Author
Marissa Lenon resides in Los Angeles, CA. She is passionate about supporting young Catholic professionals to expand in their faith. Marissa writes with an emphasis on personal discernment, relationships, professional development, and self-empowerment.
Finding solace in the rosary, acts of kindness, daily mass, and novenas, Marissa believes the real pathway to happiness is helping others achieve their greatness and potential through faith!
Marissa facilitates marketing, branding, writing, and event planning for Seeking Excellence alongside a talented group of individuals.
Connect with Marissa on Instagram @bellemarissa_xoxo or send her an email at marissa@thosewhoseek.org