When You’ve Already Had a Conversion, and you make mistakes
When I was a freshman in college, I was realizing how close God actually was to me, and that He actually wanted to move in my life. I had come off of a summer working on mission at a summer camp, and I was READY for revival.
And, it got kind of unhealthy.
I felt like I needed to fulfill a spiritual checklist; to prove that I was on-fire for Jesus, to make myself worthy of His sacrifice. I thought I needed to sustain high emotion, and correctly KNOW 100% what the Lord was doing in my life.
However, He doesn’t call us to know it all; He calls us to trust Him through it all.
There was a lot of mood swinging: really high highs, and really low lows. Lots of going into prayer ready to be #wrecked by something completely new, and have this huge experience with the Lord. And when I didn’t get it, honestly, I think I tried to fabricate something, or simply left disappointed about “spiritual dryness” (not in quotations because I’m making fun of it, but because that was not spiritual dryness).
I thought that I needed to have my life changed every day; it was hard for me to settle into the ordinary and find the Lord there. I didn’t realize that the Lord turns us around, to set us on a path and lead us in that direction. I was living as though He just was supposed to keep turning me around; however, that just makes you dizzy, and there’s no progress that’s actually made in the journey of life.
The “real conversion” comes “post conversion” when you have to actually live in the powerful truth that you have received, and apply it to everyday life.
It took me a while to figure that out. I thought that every conversation that wasn’t spiritual was a waste. I thought that to be holy meant that I needed to know everything that was going to happen next, for the rest of my life.
The biggest example of how this practically affected my life was this guy that I discerned I was called to marry, more or less. I’m laughing as I type this, because it’s so ridiculous to me now, and God’s redemptive power is so real.
I was friends with this guy for the first two years of college (it wasn’t the most healthy friendship ever, to say the least). I was in the emotional frenzy of newness that freshman year brings, when I first started crushing on him. We’re all imperfect, and he definitely had a lot of growth and healing to do...like many other naive young women, I decided it was my job to pray and love him into conversion, and that God was probably calling me to marry him. I more or less waited around for two years for this dude...and then he left for grad school, and I’m engaged to someone else.
But I completely missed the natural that was going on, because I was so busy trying to be aware of the supernatural. I was pretty much trying to play God, to impress God. Also, how could a woman who was as in love with Jesus as I was experience the emotion of simply having a crush on a guy that she wasn’t supposed to get married to!? Smh.
I remember at the end of those two years, right before I started dating my (actual) husband-to-be, I called my brother to talk about this whole two year stint of weirdness. I told him about my big extravagant plans of going on a dating fast, and all this stuff I was going to do for self-improvement singlehood.
“Um,” he said. “You’ve been dating?”
“Well, no.”
“Then why are you fasting from something that you’ve never even done?”
He had me there.
I ranted all about how I just felt so guilty and messed up, and how could I be stuck in something for two years that wasn’t even good for me, or anyone, and think that it was the Lord calling me there?
This is what he said to me: “Sometimes, we get so caught up in the supernatural, that we forgot that we’re natural. So you did a human thing! Keep going. Don’t get stuck.”
Those words hit me so hard. It’s not on me to make myself non-human. As someone who deeply desires excellence, and works towards it, that’s a hard truth for me. Sometimes, I don’t want to be human, I want to be perfect. But that is not a desire that is of the Lord; He doesn’t call me to “figure myself out” and “fix myself up”. He calls me to run to His arms, to receive the gift of the every day, and embrace the humanity that He’s given me.
You know what else is beautiful? It’s not the end of the world that I made a mistake. As I was praying with all of this, the Lord showed me fog covering a construction zone. There were buildings being built, and the fog then dissipated. He was speaking to me not to give my own mistakes weight, but to recognize that they hadn’t stopped Him from building something bigger. My love was not wasted. My desire for goodness was not wasted. I could learn from it, and grow.
This time around, conversion was softer and quieter, and the sustainability was more apparent. It took a “yes” beyond comfort, beyond emotion, in the day-to-day moments. Even when He comes in and wrecks your plans and steals your heart, and you have an emotional experience, there’s no expectation that you are now perfect and completely understand Him and all of His ways. There’s no expectation that you now know the rest of your life, and you never have to experience confusion ever again. There’s no expectation that you now have to sustain this level of high emotion, and constant life changes.
God is not complicated. Even though He’s the God who parts the seas and walks on the waves, He’s also the God who was a literal BABY and pooped and got hungry and cried when His BFF died. Translation: He enters into the ordinary, He speaks in the ordinary, because He created the ordinary. He doesn’t call us to become immune to the ordinary; He meets us here.
You are human. You do human things. You are not perfect. And it is okay. Be human.
When you sleep past your alarm and you’re super upset because you were going to work out-- do not dwell in that moment all day long. Reclaim your day for Jesus, receive Holy Spirit, and keep going.
When you spend two years thinking you’re going to get married to some dude that you do not end up with, grieve the loss, give it to Father, and trust that He knows what He’s doing.
Your life does not need to be constantly changed. You do not need a Saint-Paul-knocked-off-your-horse every single day. What is needed, is the constant Presence of Jesus Christ. And oftentimes? It comes in the still, small voice.
Y’all, we experience life changing conversion for a means greater than the moment. Jesus turns us around so that we can keep going down a specific path. He shakes the foundations so that He can rebuild something greater.
SO here’s the moral of the story: Love God with all your heart. Seek your Savior over seeking the conversion. Let Him lead through the ordinary. Don’t be weird; have conversations about things other than Jesus, and be interested in people for their worth, not in adding their conversion story to your spiritual resume. You have nothing to prove. And when you make mistakes? He’s still building, and His great purpose for your life cannot be hindered.
About the Author
Anne Marie Schlueter graduated from Ave Maria University in 2020 with a major in Communications and a minor in Theology. She's written for Life Teen, Blessed Is She, and The Young Catholic Woman, in addition to speaking at and planning dozens of retreats and events focusing on encountering Jesus, dreaming God sized dreams, relationships, and authentic womanhood.
She podcasts, has an Etsy shop, is getting married in May, and consistently writes over the designated word count. Connect with her on Instagram at @anne_marie_schlueter or read her personal blog: captivatedfreedom.wordpress.com.