Flay our Hearts Alive

I live what is, at times, a lonely and overwhelming lifestyle.

My husband is in the Army, and while we have three children to keep me company while he is away, there is a blaring difference between being alone and being lonely.

Because of his profession, all of my closest friends live around the world. It has taken me years to find a way to cope when the loneliness is front and center and while I am living in a season of waiting for the deep, authentic friendships I crave. Nurturing the already established friendships is important and I work on those, but I’m talking about the everyday I’m-coming-over-to-do-life-with-you friendships that are so rare within this lifestyle.

In recent years, though, during the times when I’ve felt isolated yet again (like my present situation), I’ve started to develop some unconventional friendships with the great Catholic Saints.

Currently, I’m gleaning wisdom from my friend Frank. The man more commonly known as St. Francis de Sales.

But we’re on a first name/nick name basis, Frank and I; we tight. *finger guns*

I’ve been reading his letters of spiritual direction lately, and his gentle methods of admonishment and guidance always makes me want to cry tears of relief and joy. I revel in the way he speaks of patience with ourselves, holy simplicity, and just showing up for our vocation on the daily without getting frustrated by our imperfections since they, too, are beneficial and necessary for us to grow in virtue and resign ourselves to God’s Providence.

Achieving Christian perfection is my ultimate goal in this life. While I have come so far, I still have much progress to make before I’m anywhere near that perfection. Every day brings an opportunity for me to take another step in that direction, and during my reading of Frank’s letters the other day, I was given an opportunity to advance toward that goal.

Throughout this journey with the Saints, a common theme is earthly attachments, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on what exactly mine tends to be. I’ve tried very hard to see all that God has created was made to glorify Him and not to be used as an end in and of themselves.

While I was reading Frank’s Letter to Rose Bourgeios, I came across these words: “Now, when our Lord separates us from these attachments we are so fond of, it’s as if He were flaying our hearts alive. We suffer acutely and almost inevitably we resist with our whole being because we feel this separation most keenly. Yet […] we remain resigned to the will of our Lord.”

It struck me then what my attachment is: my husband. Never had I read words that aligned so perfectly with the feelings I have for my own husband when he leaves.

I thought back to a few months ago when he deployed early this year, with only a two weeks’ notice. He came home one evening saying they were leaving. I said ok, and then I let God take control – this was His will for us, and I was resigned to that. It was only as I watched the nose of the jet carrying the man who held my heart tip up into the air that my entire being felt like it was being pierced and I fell apart, or flayed, as Frank put it.

While our marriage has been through a lot in the last near-decade, this past year has seen the most spiritual growth and intimacy. Neither of us had a firm hold on our faith or an example of what a solid, Catholic marriage should look like when we first met and were married. Last year, I was having lunch with a priest friend and I was explaining that I was trying to turn more to God while my husband was away for school, training, and field exercises. His face lit up as he exclaimed, “A retreat!”

Yes! That was it; I couldn’t think of anything better to do with my time and the longing I had in my heart to be near my husband than bringing it to God. In my mind, He led us to this point, there was something in this time apart for us both.

So, after I watched my husband leave American soil and I gathered myself, I was hopeful. I retreated into my Father’s arms, and with the help of my friends (the Saints), I was ready to grow.

What I didn’t realize was that this time, the growth required some pruning first.

The saying, “distance makes the heart grow fonder” could not be any truer for me. Being apart has made me love and appreciate my husband more than ever. Finding ways to grow in intimacy with someone when you can’t be physically together is beautiful and special, and I was here for it. St. Jane de Chantal (who corresponded with Frank; cute little circle of friends we have going on here…) was once known to have said she had such an intense devotion to her husband that it was borderline idolatrous.

This is me; I am Jane.

So, when I read those words written by Frank calling me out on my attachment to my husband, I was slightly uncomfortable. Moments later, that truth would be affirmed by a prayer of adoration written by another Francis (of Assisi) in which he repeatedly says, “You are good, all good, the highest good…You are our defense, You are our protection…”

I was humiliated: I was reading these words of praise and worship thinking, “This is how I feel about my husband, but it should be God that I adore in this way.” More than that, God feels for me the same way and more how I feel for my husband!

Don’t get me wrong, I love and worship God, but what came crashing down on me in that moment was I should feel the same way I do for my husband and yet morefor the God who created me into existence by His own love.

He had been patiently pursuing my heart, waiting for the moment when there was no distraction to allow both Frank and Francis’s words to penetrate my misguided beliefs on love and marriage. (I imagine the two of them fist bumped when I finally got it while God raised His arm in victory much like Judd Nelson does at the end of The Breakfast Club.)

God wants to be the source and summit of our love; if I am so crazy in love with my husband now, I can’t begin to imagine how much more will He allow this love to grow if I simply continue to accept His invitation to love Him first, as only then will my heart be primed and ready to love both more and better.

This is God’s will for me; not to love my husband less, but to simply love Him more.

Candice Norrell-Reilly is the wife of an exceptional human being who also just so happens to be a soldier in the United States Army as well as a homeschooling-soccer [football/ballet/Jiu Jitsu/piano…] mom to three small humans who continually sanctify her on the daily. She holds a BA in Public Relations and International Journalism as well as a certificate in cosmetology and her hobbies include reading about spiritual warfare, furthering her education on fitness and nutrition, enjoying all types of tacos and day trips to the ocean.